Saturday, June 25, 2011

Same-Sex Marriage in NY State

It passed last night, and as I hugged my lesbian BFF who is now able to marry her partner and the love of her life, tears streamed down both of our cheeks as a light rain drizzled down around us.

I felt more and more like a whole person, and that I know I'll be able to be married when I finally meet the man of my dreams.

This is what progress feels like.  The world is changing all around us for gay people as rapidly as ever.

It feels good.

I went out to a dance club that I frequent afterward, and as always I got a rush from the jam-packed crowd and sweaty bodies gyrating on the dance floor.  I'd only had a few drinks, but strangely found myself not scanning the room looking for someone to hook up with as usual, but just enjoying the music.  Even though I was aware of myself sexually it seemed quite different this time.

It was nice to dance and spin without worrying about who found me "hot" or not...

Why Am I Doing This?

I got the idea to abstain from sex for a year while showering in a hotel room paid for by my married fuckbuddy.  Dr. Feelgood, as we'll call him, is a 50 year old, muscular, 6'3 walking and talking embodiment of the daddy complex I'd had since my early twenties.  Me and my 8.5 inches aren't exactly lacking in the dick department, but Dr. Feelgood is enormous.  It's like a coke bottle.  It could block out the sun.  I had tons of fun sucking it over the years.  Yes, my friends, I was dickmatized.

Based on opposite coasts, it was only the fourth time we'd seen each other in two years, and already the sex was going a bit stale.  It seemed like we'd both been searching for the seismic charge of our first hookup, a craigslist-supported affair that happened on my lunchbreak from my advertising job in a small hotel room in Chelsea.  Sliding into this handsome, tall, older man was like nothing I'd ever experienced before, and we both had powerful orgasms after just the right amount of sex. 

So now, two years later, in an old hotel room on the west coast, it especially didn't help to hear him whisper all the things he'd said to me over my past few visits into the ear of the cute college student who laid on his chest opposite me after we'd all had simultaneous orgasms.  The threesome was his choice, not mine, and though it was good it was also a red flag into his sex addiction that I'd only suspected of before.  In another 24 hours his addiction would rear its ugly head and humiliate me, but that's a story for next time, my friends.   

Why are you doing this?

That's the first question that comes from everyone's lips when they find out about this project.  Let me tell you something, dear readers:  I've sucked a lot of dick and fucked a lot of ass.  I stopped counting somewhere around 45 and that was more than a few years ago.  Somewhere in between all of these men, I managed to fall in love just once, and it was perfect right up until I decided that I had some more wild oats to sow. 

And sow them I DID, dear reader.  I've been on Grindr, Manhunt, Adam 4 Adam, gone to sex parties, and had more hookups and one night stands than you can shake a stick at.  I'm tired, and you know what?  My DICK is tired.   

The fact that I'm a whore is a given, but I'm not sure that I'm any more or less of a whore than your average sexually desirable twenty something gay male New Yorker.  I guess that when you come out and come to the big, bad city you feel like you're supposed to hook up and have sex all the time because it's just so fucking available.  And this isn't just a NYC thing, gays and girls.  I've been around a little bit, and from Denver to Dallas, from LA to Ft. Lauderdale it's the same thing.

Dr. Feelgood didn't make me give up sex, he was just the experience that pushed me to make an idea that had been knocking around in my head a reality.  I have lots of mixed feelings about this.  I'm scared as hell, but I'm also kind of excited.  I'm ready to live in a world where every single encounter with a gay man that I have isn't negotiated on some level by sex.  I'm ready to not constantly sweat out the HIV test I've been taking every 6 months since I was 23 (I don't particularly have unsafe sex, I'm just a hypochondriac), and I'm ready to maybe, just maybe find a deeper connection with myself and my sexuality through the absence of sex.

I have the feeling that I'm about to find myself.  I think that's good enough for me.